Three Important Parenting "Don'ts"

Parenting has gotten harder over the last couple of years, and with the digital world we live in, it's only getting more difficult.  It's easy to feel defeated in this post-pandemic world, and as moms, we've had to constantly shift and adapt to the changing world around us. We all love our kids with all our heart, but sometimes that inner critic in our head (or the invisible board of moms we just know are judging us) whispers the lie that we've failed. 

Well, here's the good news. You haven't failed as a mom! 

How do I know? 

You're taking time out of your busy day to read this. 

That means you care.

And moms who care are doing the best they can to get it right.

But I do want to share some hard truth that might be a little bit harder to swallow. Typically, when parents bring their teenagers into my counseling office, they want me to "fix" them. They can't figure out where the problem lies, and so they want me to be the detective and make the problem behaviors go away.

 However, a lot of times parents are missing the key piece of the puzzle: Our kids are usually responding to our parenting techniques. Our method of parenting is impacting them in a way that causes them to act out in protest, withdraw in apathy, use substances to cope, engage in self-harm, or adopt self-defeating behaviors. In order to get this parenting thing right, we have to be willing to self-reflect on the impact we have on our kids. (I know, ouch).

We can all be more attuned and connected with our kids when we consider these three important "don'ts" when it comes to parenting. We don't have to be perfect parents, but it is our job to be mindful of how we show up to them.

1. DON'T EXPECT THEM TO MANAGE YOUR FEELINGS OR HEAL YOUR WOUNDS.

By this stage in life, we've all walked through some sort of trauma. Whether it's big "T" trauma, or little "t" trauma, it's likely to leave an open wound if we don't do the work to heal it. It's our job to deal with our emotions so that our kids don't have to do it for us. It's our job to manage our feelings and regulate ourselves. No one should have to do it for us, especially our kids. If we're dysregulated (overwhelmed, anxious, panicky, neurotic, controlling, etc.) our kids will be dysregulated too.

Our kids don't need to carry the weight of having to please us. Our kids need us to be bigger, stronger, kinder, and wiser. They can't handle their hard emotions if we can't handle ours. Using our kids as a sounding board as we process heavy emotions puts them in a lose-lose position. Turn to your spouse, a friend, a therapist, or a coach - anyone but your child. Adults are responsible for handling their own emotions, not expecting their kids to make them feel happy or good about themselves.

If you're not sure if you're expecting your kids to heal your wounds, do a quick self-assessment:

Do you need them to make the team because you didn't, and have painful memories of rejection?

Do you need them to be in the "it" crowd because you always felt the painful sting of exclusion, and can't bear to feel it again as an adult? 

Do they feel pressure to perform on the field? Do they know you'll be disappointed if they "didn't play their best" or "have their head in the game" or "see that play coming?"

The world is a hard place, and our kids need the message of acceptance over and over again. They need our unconditional love regardless of how they perform or meet our "expectations." They need to know we've dealt with our wounds so we can help them deal with theirs.

2. DON'T EXPECT THEM TO MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD PARENT.

We've all been there, right? That moment your child says something inappropriate or out of left field, that makes you want to crawl in a hole and hide. It's usually in front of someone you want to impress, and their words or actions undoubtedly send a message that you are a bad parent. Well, it might feel like it, but it's not true. Your kids don't define you, and their imperfections are just part of growing up.

We are all one mistake away from looking like the worst parent ever. By the grace of God, there go I.

It is crucial that we accept that our kids don't define us. Their successes and accolades don't mean we are great parents, anymore than their mistakes make us bad parents. If your child wins the most awards at the end of the year school awards ceremony, you are not a better parent than those around you. If your child barely makes it through the academic year without failing, it doesn't mean you are a worse parent than those around you.

Loving our kids unconditionally means letting them be who they are created to be, not who we need them to be. When we expect them to make us look good as parents, we are pushing them into a perfectionistic and performance-based system that only leads them to a life of anxiety.

Our kids need the freedom to fall and get back up. They need to know we're cheering them on in the highs and in the lows. And, they need to know our love for them is unconditional, regardless of how they make us look.

3. DON'T LET SCREEN TIME GET IN THE WAY OF YOUR CONNECTION.

Let’s take a quick look at a video I use with clients, called the Still Face Experiment. The Still-Face Experiment was conducted in 1975 when researchers were trying to observe the attachment relationship between a mother and child. It's a two-minute video you can watch here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=apzXGEbZht0

In the beginning, you see the mother and baby engage. They’re attuned to each other. (Attunement is defined as the state of recognizing, understanding, and engaging with someone's emotional state. Emotional attunement is an important part of all relationships, but is especially important in mother/child relationships, as well as romantic relationships.) 

So, in the video, the baby points, and the mom looks where the baby is pointing. The baby makes a noise, and the mom talks back with a loving, nurturing tone. The baby is smiling and engaging with her mom. They are attuned. Then, the researcher asks the mom to turn around and turn back with a still face. With no attunement or engagement. As you saw, the baby is confused. She’s not sure why her mom isn’t responding. She’s no longer confused, now she’s made. She’s extremely distressed and screeching at her mom. She’s protesting. Her mom’s still-faces become so unbearable that she ultimately turns away. She’s now withdrawing. She’s lost all self-regulation. 

So let’s talk about the importance of this experiment. It is so important because it demonstrates how our behavior helps regulate our children’s behavior. 

Let me say that again: Our behavior has a direct impact on our kids’ behavior and ability to regulate themselves. I know that might feel like a lot of pressure, but we only have to get it right 30% of the time (based on attachment research). As you notice in the video, the mother and child reconnect as the mom is repairing and re-attuning. Repairing and attunement are crucial.

Here’s the bottom line: when we give our kids a “still-face” we are impacting their ability to control or regulate their actions or behavior in the world around them. We “still-face” our children when we ignore their expressions, or “bids for connection” with us. 

Research has shown that the attachment between the parent and the child (especially within the first two years of birth) forms the basis of future relationships with parents/ peers/ partners/ other human beings.  We obviously can’t put life completely on hold and interact with our kids 24-7. Life just doesn’t work that way. Many of the things that keep us from connection are good things. But they still break connection with our kids, if we don’t handle them carefully. 

Our goal is simply to be mindful. Pay attention to when we might be unintentionally tuning our kids out. Notice the times they need us to be engaged, or that we might be missing their cues as we’re on our devices. 

And remember, while their needs will change depending on their ages, this will be true regardless of their age: connecting with them looks like devices down or away, eye contact, warm hugs, mirroring behavior, and deep listening without distraction.

Isn’t it great that our kids don’t need us to be perfect parents?!. They need us to be present and self-aware parents. Our self-awareness and humility matter so much more than getting it right. Imperfect parenting won't harm your kids. We are learning as we go. God is growing us in this process. But, it is our job to learn from our mistakes and ask for re-dos. Our kids need us to repair. Going back and saying "I'm sorry" to our kids models grace and humility, a trait that we want them to carry with them into adulthood.

The bottom line is this: it's our job to do the work. It's our job to figure out our own triggers. If we're on a roller coaster of emotion, we need to figure out why, and take action to be able to step off of it.

If your kids have been struggling with anxiety, and you're struggling to know how to help, you might like my coaching group "Real Tools for Parenting Anxious Kids." It's an 8-week course, with a small group of women, and 6 powerful tools to help you and your families thrive. You can learn more, or jump on the waitlist here: Kimanderson.life/parenting. We were never meant to do it alone!

You are amazing! Start living like it!

Kim Anderson is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC-MHSP) and a Certified Life Professional Coach (CPLC) who loves helping others live their lives with passion and purpose. She lives with her husband and two teenagers outside of Nashville, in Franklin, Tennessee, where she loves seasons, rolling hills, and the warmth of the South. Follow Kim at www.kimanderson.life, on Instagram @kim_anderson_life, and on Facebook@ KimAndersonLifeCoachingto learn more about what she offers.