Missing Connection with Our Kids
There I was, sitting at the doctor's office, waiting to be seen. While waiting, I couldn't help but notice a mom with her young daughter, maybe ten years old, and teenage son, who shut out the world with his headphones. The daughter was coloring a picture and wanted her mom to see it.
"Mommy, do you like it?" she said, with hope and expectation in her voice.
"Yes, honey, I love it!" her mom replied.
It sounds like a beautiful interaction between a mother and daughter, doesn't it?
It would be, except that the mom was completely engaged in her phone, not her daughter, during the whole exchange. She was absorbed as if her screen was the most important thing to her in the world. Sadly, she was not attuned to her daughter at all. She quickly looked up, glanced at the picture, and went right back to her phone.
My heart broke as the child's smile faded, likely wondering if her mom's Facebook feed was more important than she was. Ouch.
The thing is, the mom didn't notice her daughter's downcast expression because she was looking at her phone. I fear this mother is slowly and surely fostering disconnection in their relationship, sending a message to her daughter that she wouldn’t want to send. What scares me the most about this scenario is that I know I have been that mom. Whether it is social media, texts, or even work-related e-mails, the bottom line is, I have been a distracted parent.
To be fair, managing life can be hard. It is difficult to manage all the pop-ups in our lives. We have never been more connected—or more distracted. I sometimes feel in danger of dropping twenty balls at once. I manage that fear by searching my phone to make sure all balls are all still in the air.
But what is the cost? What is the cost of our cyber-connection for our children? Each human comes prewired with the need to know they are significant to their parents. What happens when we send covert messages to our children that other things are more important, more pressing?
If you have a minute, check out this video by Dr. Ed Tronick from the University of Massachusetts. It is fascinating and heart-wrenching to watch the distress a child experiences when the parent will not respond. When we are still-faced, self-absorbed, and numbed out with technology, we rob our children of the emotional engagement they need to regulate themselves in distress. And so much of our success in life is tied to the ability to regulate emotion.
Friends, our kids need us to be intentional, present, and engaged. They need to know we delight in them, support them, and see them. We don’t have to be perfect parents. We don’t have to get it right every time, and absolutely, we do not want tip to the other extreme of raising kids who believe they are the center of the universe. We simply need to be mindful. We need to be aware of the times our kids need us and are asking us to connect. The world is a difficult place. Be the safe refuge your children need. Kids are able to face their problems and insecurities with more courage when they know a parent supports them wholeheartedly.
What would it take to put our devices or distractions away for set periods of time to be present with those we love? The sacrifice may seem scary at first, but the connection that results is worth it.
You are amazing! Now start living like it!
