Self Compassion is A Learned Skill
Comparison keeps us stuck. Plain and simple. Instead of falling into the trap of comparison, I encourage you to practice self-compassion. And when I say practice, I mean it’s a constant practice just like going to the gym, or yoga, or eating healthier.
For a lot of us, practicing self-compassion is like learning a new skill. It takes work. It takes intentionality, it takes time.
Self-compassionate people talk to themselves the way they would talk to someone they love. They treat themselves like they would treat their best friend. They expect of themselves what they would expect of a stranger. They give the same grace to themselves as they would to someone who has wronged them.
Self-compassionate people don’t carry measuring sticks; instead, they give and receive grace, which is unmerited favor. And self-compassionate people can experience true joy because they are free from impossible expectations.
Very often, women who struggle with self-compassion punish themselves any time they deviate from the primrose path of sunshine and rainbows.
I believe we can all experience self-compassion when we stop comparing and remember these three truths.
1. Self-compassion requires contentment.
Author Kristin Neff explains that to be content, women must accept a full range of experience and emotion: “Happiness stems from loving ourselves and our lives exactly as they are, knowing that joy and pain, strength and weakness, glory and failure are all essential to the full human experience.”
What about that? Happiness comes from contentment. It comes from being okay with pain and failure, too. It comes when you let go of comparing your season and your circumstance to that of another. We are all meant to live in the full range of human experience. Sometimes we are up; sometimes we are down. But pain or failure doesn’t mean we have less or are less.
2. Self-compassion takes practice.
Self-compassion is likely a muscle you’ll need to exercise to strengthen. Self-pity seems to come naturally, so it might take conscious effort to lean toward compassion instead. A particularly helpful way to practice self-compassion is through mindfulness, which is the art of bringing our attention to the particular emotions we are feeling at the moment. We notice our thoughts, feelings, bodily sensations—without judgment. We notice what are we feeling in our body and thinking in our mind, and then we let it go. When we are mindful, we have power over our emotions and fears because we know we get to be in charge of what we are telling ourselves. We can notice the emotion, thank the emotion, and then make a choice about how to steward it.
3. Self-compassion requires self-awareness.
Ladies, we are not just learning self-compassion for our own sake. This is about our children as well. Your children are watching you, and they are likely going to take on the same thoughts and emotions you exude. Did you know that children absorb the emotions of the adults around them? If we can’t regulate our fears and destructive thoughts, how will they learn? When they watch us throw shade on our appearance or achievement—never satisfied, never secure—how will they believe us when we tell them they are enough?
So, start with building personal self-awareness. Be mindful about how you are experiencing your circumstances and the related messages your attitude and expressions are sending to your kids. Do they see self-compassion as you handle the day’s setbacks and frustrations? Or do they see you put yourself down? Do you often mention the weight you need to lose? Do you panic about the wrinkles that are accumulating? Or do you radiate a sense of self-worth and peace with what is? They are watching. We teach our children how to generate their own self-compassion.
We know that comparison leads us to stress, anxiety, and depression. We know self-compassion leads us to peace, joy, and connection. Let’s make a choice today to ditch comparison, embrace self-compassion, and begin a journey of healing.
You are amazing! Start living like it!
Kim Anderson is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC-MHSP) and a Certified Life Professional Coach (CPLC) who loves helping others live their lives with passion and purpose. She lives with her husband and two teenagers outside of Nashville, in Franklin, Tennessee, where she loves seasons, rolling hills, and the warmth of the South. Follow Kim at www.kimanderson.life, on Instagram @kim_anderson_life, and on Facebook@ KimAndersonLifeCoachingto learn more about what she offers.
