3 Ways to Deal with Toxic People
We’ve all had relationships in our lives that are just a little . . . messy. These are the relationships that always feel a little strained. It’s the friend that makes you feel uneasy when you’re around them. Or the parent that guilts you into meeting their needs and expectations without thinking of how it might affect you. No matter who this is in your life, I want you to know that these kinds of relationships and behaviors aren’t healthy.
Traits of Toxic People
In order to talk about how to deal with the toxic people in your life, you have to know how to spot them. Here are a few traits to look for. Toxic people:
· Put you down
· Draining (physically, spiritually, and emotionally)
· Boundary-less (or bulldoze your boundaries)
· Guilt-inducing
· Don’t apologize
· Jealous or envious of your other relationships
· Don’t take responsibility for their actions
· Set impossible expectations
· Don’t respect “no”
· Only speak and never listen
Here are three ways to deal with toxic people:
1. Identify what toxic means to you.
As you survey the relationships in your life, I want you to pay attention to how you feel when you’re around this person. Be aware of these signs and also pay attention to the visceral cues your body gives you. Do you cringe when you think about being around them? Is there an uneasy feeling in your stomach? Do you feel depleted, frustrated, less-than, or sad after you spend time with them? You may wish she could see how hurtful their behavior is, but when you try to explain how it impacts you, she just dismisses it.
Friend, if being around a toxic person costs you your peace, that cost is too high. But guess what? You have a choice. You can decide if a “friendship” isn’t worth the drama. You can walk away. In time, you will find healthier friends. You will. It just takes strength and determination to try something new.
2. Remember: you won’t change them.
We’ve all tried this at one point in time. We think, If I can just help them see how their behavior impacts others, they’ll change.
Most of us stay in toxic relationships too long, especially those of us who are prone to saving others. We want to fix them and repair the relationship, hoping to make it stronger. But change would take remorse and humility on the part of the toxic person, and, sadly, that is just not going to happen. Toxic people won’t apologize. They won’t look at the harm they are inflicting or change their patterns of manipulation and control. They are not able to self-reflect.
You cannot save someone else or tell them it is time to be different. We can only work on ourselves. So, check your motivation. Why are you staying in this toxic relationship? What insecurities are keeping you from walking away? What do you get from that person that keeps you entangled and controlled?
3. Find safe people around you.
In our quest to get unstuck and be our best selves, we must develop healthy relationships and find friends who fill us up, make us better, and cheer us on. These people are the ones who support you along your life’s journey. They are people who value you, encourage you, and speak loving truth into your life. These people won’t use you, manipulate you, or rely on you to make themselves whole.
Sometimes we cannot avoid the toxic people in our life. It might be an immediate family member, a relative, a neighbor, or a coworker. In those cases, it is essential to set clear boundaries and establish what you are willing to tolerate and what does not work for you. In these cases, you must flex your boundary muscles.
Friend: you are stronger than you think. Remember, when we set boundaries, we don’t do it with a grenade. We do it in love. We kindly explain what is okay for us and then we move to the side so that we do not receive their toxic reaction. You do not need to prop yourself up with toxic people. I know it feels like a risk, and hard days may come after it’s done, but it is okay to get off of the drama train. It will be worth it.
If you find yourself dealing with toxic relationships, and don’t know how to move forward, it’s time to get unstuck.
Join my upcoming Get Unstuck Group Coaching Program!
This 6-week program will help you focus on self-care, strengths, personalities, purpose, values, passions, goals, and accountability in a small group, live Zoom format.
You are amazing! Start living like it!
Kim Anderson is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC-MHSP) and a Certified Life Professional Coach (CPLC) who loves helping others live their lives with passion and purpose. She lives with her husband and two teenagers outside of Nashville, in Franklin, Tennessee, where she loves seasons, rolling hills, and the warmth of the South. Follow Kim at www.kimanderson.life, on Instagram @kim_anderson_life, and on Facebook@ KimAndersonLifeCoachingto learn more about what she offers.
